Six tired little legs

The following is a written release of a “three children teething, four of us recovering from a li’l tummy bug” induced emotional slump

Up here
Rainbows pour from the clouds
Eyes are blinded by sunshiney seas
Beauty, in her deepest, truest form is everywhere

But this heart is heavy

Carrying the emotional load of two parents through all the seasons of childhood

Where four arms should carry and cuddle
There are only mine

Where four eyes should watch and keep safe
There are only mine

Where two minds should think through every decision
work through every negative situation
cope with every stress
create a safe space for every emotional outburst
Brush off the embarassment of a fierce child lashing out

There is only mine

Where 2 bodies should provide a safe haven, a strong foundation for weary-in-need-of-soothing,-little adventurers

There is only mine

Where 3 childrens’ needs clash, each as important as the others. They must be prioritised, someone must look on while the others get the attention, their own, little heart desires – in equally ferocious immediate yearning. They must wait.

For there is only me, wishing I could split myself in three, or at the very least into mam and dad

Where two hearts should hold a universe of ever expanding love for our beautiful trying everchanging children

THERE IS ONLY MINE. My love may equal the love of both a mother and father, but sometimes there is not enough spacetime to show it.

And this is the most excruciatingly
exhausting
aspect
of
mothering
alone

And there’s no way to lighten that load
To bear that burden with my other
To show
Him
Tell
HIM
Exactly
what
IT
IS

that he

left me to    s u r v i v e
the    s h e e r    gravity of the task he left me with
because of the path he chose to walk
w i t h o u t    u s

The emotional weight of carrying
six
tired
little legs
at the end of the day
Tired from amazing adventures
is just
sometimes
too much for one tired mammy to bear

It is hard
beautiful work
providing safe and beautiful spaces
for your littles’ lives to unfurl in
Even when you are surrounded by the love of others and the beauty of mother Earth in all her raw beauty

Curse you absent father
Curse your thoughtlessness

Your ever growing lack of
How is she?
How is he?
How are they?

Your nonexistant
Thinking of you letters
Thinking of you gifts
Milestone markers
Birthday celebrations

Your lack of all of that

undoes the desired effect of all your empty
spoken to others, but not to your child
I love yous
Thinking of you always
Missing you so muches
And it all plays out, on and on in the background of every
Beautiful
Hard
Precious
Exhausting
Heartbreaking
moment in our life

Sometimes the only way to handle it all is to think, and find solice in the thought that somewhere
Along this wave function
You and I are together
In love
And our children are whole
And it is an easier
happier life…
Somewhere along this wave function
In a parallel universe
Beyond our own space and time

But not here

Here rainbows pour from the clouds
Eyes are blinded by sunshiney seas
Beauty, in her deepest truest form is everywhere

But this heart is broken and these tired slouching shoulders carry it all

Advertisements

4 thoughts on “Six tired little legs

  1. Hi,

    Two posts in one day : ) I was wondering if you were still there by the lack of posts,

    How did you get on with your plants?

    Now you survived a winter how do you like it? I wish I was as brave as you to up sticks and head north like that, Not even Stromness but right out in the wilds! I love Stromness and spend a lot of time there helping on my friends dive boat when not working offshore, cant keep away from water that me, typical Crab!!

    Perhaps one day I will be brave enough to visit the outer isles !

    I hope its all going well / to plan for you, Btw not all men are stinkers btw : )

    Cheers RG.

    Like

  2. Hellooo.
    Hope summer is being kind to you.
    Been trying to write these for ages but no time to stop and breathe.
    Willows and cedar trees are doing well i ended up planting 450 willow… have experimented with fuscia hedge of 34 wee shrubs which stands tall at 1 inch hah.. they all dies back when planted out but have started to grow again..
    Its been a big lesson in patience and disappointment. Just going to hold back until i have a better cover from the wind… all else just seems to be too much against the wee plants.. weather its toddler hands pulling the plants up or high winds or salty air… i’ve grown a lot of herbs salads peas and beans in the hoose this year… its all been so enjoyable though… out here in the wilds. The island is such a beautiful backdrop to life, gardening and all.
    Thanks for reading! Enjoy these long summer days.
    Oh and yes i agree, i know very many wonderful men and fathers.. certainly wouldnt judge all based on my experience!!

    Like

  3. From one mum of a toddler (just the 1 though) to another, you are doing an amazing job. You only have to look at those gorgeous, happy faces to see that. I’m working towards being brave enough to up sticks and leave the urban crap behind. What an amazing blog and as my gran would say, “this too shall pass” and you’ll have been there all along. Sending a huge hug 200 miles x

    Like

  4. Morning,

    You do sound a bit fed up : ( it cant be easy bringing up three kids on your own, But look on the good side, When they are a bit older they will be breakfasted and out the door all summer having adventures in probably the safest place in the world, None of the urban *rap or dangers, Like childhood of times gone by perhaps?

    And of course in just a few years it will be school time then you will not know what to do with all the time : )

    Meanwhile if you need to chat don’t hesitate to drop a line, I am never far from a pc unless asleep ( I use pcs for my work ) and chat is always available!!
    I think my e mail Addy shows when I registered to follow your blog, if not let me know and I will send you it,

    keep smiling : )

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s